Another Goodbye

A very special woman in my life has been called to Heaven.

John's mother, Joanie. Joan Amelia Shetler Murphy.






She passed away after a fall and very brief hospital stay of not even 24hrs. Her heart was very weak and she simply slipped away. Recently, she had told many family members, including me that her was life had been perfect and whenever the Lord called her home, she was ready. She even made an audio tape and at the end she said....Do not cry or be sad because I am happy. What a wonderful wonderful woman.
She is now with her husband and oldest son. I know she is smiling.

After John's death, my mother-in-law became even closer to me. We shared daily emails and she advised me in many ways. I will miss her deeply but I will try to follow her wish and not be too sad. I will remember her contagious laugh and beaming smile.
             Aways the smile.

Fun Afternoon

At 12 noon, Chele and I left for the big city...Ft. Worth.

She registered at Target.....

Babies R Us.... (Yes..she gets to park in the special space!)

Then Lunch. She said she wanted a Reuben sandwich but had never had one. Do you know what is on it, I asked. Sauerkraut for one thing-and as far as I knew she did not like it. I guess we can chalk it up to pregnancy craving. She tried it and loved it.

These are the times I remember with my mother and am so so thankful I have those memories.

What a blessing to make memories with my precious daughter.

Later we headed south and back to the country and the dirt roads.

We spent the drive talking and sharing our thoughts of the future.

As I look to the future, I feel myself reaching out to some personality traits that have been laying dormant.
Independence. Strength. (and my personal favorite) Adventurous.

2012 is coming to an end.   2013 may will be a new beginning.

Time....

It seems like time is going so much quicker. I know 1 hour is still-1 hour, but it seems to go faster. Do you ever feel that way?
When I was younger, it seemed to creep by. Waiting for my birthday each year was so exciting and SLOW!!
Christmas really fit the saying..."Slow as Christmas".
Now...not so much!

A whole month has passed since my last post. Is that possible?
My daughter is now about halfway to the birth of her first child!
Thanksgiving is 3 weeks away...
and oh yea, tomorrow we vote in a President!
Time....it passes.
Loved ones leave this earth and we just keep going.
Time...just passes.
I find myself holding on to every detail of my beloved John. Time has allowed me to wake without John being my first thought. Is that time...or God allowing me to move on? There are still tears but not like there used to be. I have evolved into a sense of longing...rather than pain.
It just bothers me that everything is still there....but him. He is gone and will never return. My life is taking on different needs and it doesn't involve John. I am now labeled a "widow"....not a wife.
I still find it hard to say....my husband passed away.
That just sounds crazy, but it is my reality. 
However, as I look around I realize...I am still here and hopefully have a lot of life yet to live.
Children, grand-children, friends and
family remind me of that fact.
So this is me....
trying very hard to move to the 5th stage of grief...Acceptance.

Sometimes accepting God's will can be difficult. I pray for it everyday and I believe he has answered my prayers. I am feeling a bit of peace. Still sadness, but it is different. I take a deep breath and as a tear falls down my cheek, I exhale and feel a hand on my shoulder. Not like an actual hand, but a feeling. It is hard to explain, but I know he is there. Both God and John...watching over me. Smiling.

Thank you Heavenly Father for all my blessings
and for holding my hand.

Time....it is precious. 

Life is short...live it like you mean it!

Cooking for One

It has taken me over a year,
but I think I am finally getting the hang of it.
For a while I would cook in smaller portions and it never tasted quite as good. Then a friend gave me the idea to freeze. So now I cook as usual and freeze in small portions. This time it was chicken vegetable barley! yumyum

It is such a change in the way I have always lived. This is the first time in my life that I am actually living alone. Completely alone. Cooking is only one of the things that I am adjusting to.
It seems as time passes, the intense pain has changed to an incredible sadness and loneliness. Lately I have even had some fears. Out in the middle of nowhere alone can be scary if you let it. But that is another post for another time.

This weekend it finally rained. A nice slow soaking kind of rain. We ended up with 2 inches in the gauge. :)
The porch was a great hang out for Yogi and 3 stooges!

Especially Curly...they are buds. Enjoying MY lounge chair!

As the sun began to set on Sunday, I noticed this example of God's beauty. The sun peeked out then quickly went back in.

Mother Daughter Weekend

Have you heard the saying- "My cup runnith over"?

It is something I have heard since childhood. It is a fond saying. Happiness or warm feelings are running over.
That is how I felt this weekend.

It began by finding out that my new grandchild is a GIRL!!!

 Michele and I planned a getaway to Fort Worth for baby shopping. We stayed in a hotel,

spent time with family

shopped and just hung out.

When our children become adults and have their own lives to attend to, it becomes harder and harder to have that special one on one time. I forgot how much I enjoyed seeing my girl's face first thing in the morning. Greeting the day together. Talking about anything and everything. Sharing ideas and laughing. Children are such a blessing and they are ALWAYS our children, no matter how old they get or responsible they become.

My children may be twins, but they are very different. My son is....well I like to say..."a live wire". Always in high gear-laughing and talking. My daughter is calm and quiet-soft spoken and gentle. But they both share a loving heart. Both are kind and giving. Does it sound like I am bragging or boasting? I suppose I am but just this time I think it's OK. My daughter is the child who calms ME. The tables turned somewhere along the line and now she calms ME.

One day was spent at the local fabric store selecting material for the nursery. Let me say that I have traditional ideas and my daughter has unique ideas. Michele is artistic. She paints, draws and decorates so it took me a while to begin to see her vision for the nursery. Her description.....feminine Victorian princess with little or no pink!

 I can't wait to see the end results. I trust her vision and decorating and know it will be unique and beautiful.
I am planning a rag quilt with these colors...

My contribution to the nursery is a family heirloom rocker. It was handmade by family around 1905. It has been on my mother's side of the family since then. New padding and covers made in crimson will give it new life.

The circle of life! Thank you Lord for my many blessing.

Seasons Change

                                                I think Fall is here!

So this weekend I spent some time making a few changes around the ranch.

 First...the porch. I love the porch. I rearranged furniture for the cooler season. It is so nice to sit in the quiet and listen to the sounds of the country.

Yogi loves the porch too. It is HER domain!

 Some times I enjoy just hanging out. Take my laptop out and settle into my lounge chair, if I can get Yogi to move! Even watch TV. John thought of everything. He had put a TV out there long ago. He enjoyed watching football out there. Other times, I enjoy eating out there or just having coffee or tea.

The chickens have been laying their eggs somewhere other than the coop. NOT GOOD!!
So this weekend, since it was cool, they were grounded. They needed a little reminder of where to lay their eggs. I think it is working. A few eggs were layed inside the coop.

Back to the house. Candles with the scent of Fall were put out.
The figurine was my last anniversary gift from John. I will cherish it always.

I believe smell is one of the strongest senses that triggers memory. To make the house smell even better, I felt like baking. A new recipe for cranberry bread. Yum Yum

1 cup white sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 cup butter

1 egg, beaten

1 teaspoon orange zest

3/4 cup orange juice

1 1/2 cups chopped cranberries

        

1. Whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and baking soda.
2. Cut in butter until mixture is crumbly. Add egg, orange peel, and orange juice; stir to mix and fold in cranberries.
3. Pour into loaf pan and bake at 350 for 70 minutes or until toothpick inserted comes out clean.
4.  Remove from pan; cool on wire rack.               

Last....decorative leaves were laid out.

A day of Remembrance

It was comparable to Pearl Harbor.

On this day 11 years ago, I was working at DFW Airport. On my way in, I heard on the radio that a small plane had hit a skyscraper in NYC. I was not too alarmed. When I arrived to my desk, everyone was in the break room at the TV. Live, we witnessed the second plane fly into the World Trade Center.

Things went crazy from there. The air space over DFW was shut down and we were released to go home. When I called my elderly mother, she asked "is this another Pearl Harbor"?
She had lived through that and suddenly I had a whole new respect for that experience.
That night at the supper table, John and I with our 4 high school age children, discussed our "emergency plan". With talk of chemical warfare and more terrorist attacks, like alot of families, we were talking about what we would do. If all phone lines were busy and we were unable to connect with each other, our plan was to make our separate ways to the ranch. There we could be completely sustainable. Water, food and space. Thank goodness, that plan was never implemented. But for a long time, we all lived in a certain amount of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of no control.
So much has changed since then. Some good, some bad. But one thing is for sure, just like Pearl Harbor, we learned alot and we all came together and are stronger. Family and Country.
I stand proud to be an American.
  And thank those who responded with such valor.
    My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones 11 years ago       today in such a devastating manner.
    As I am learning more and more, SOMEDAY, we will understand the events in our lives.
            As for me and for right now....I bow my head.

A Texas Cool Front

This past weekend, our first "cool front"
of Fall 2012 arrived .                  
                                 Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
Friday at 5P it was 102 and Saturday morning it was 64!
That is TEXAS weather.
There is a saying- if you don't like the Texas weather, wait a minute it will change!
And so it did this weekend. I'm sure next week it will right back to the upper 90s but Saturday and Sunday it was a welcome cool down. When I opened the kitchen door Saturday morning to let Sadie out....I knew it was here! Hallaluuuhhaaaa
I turned the A/C off and opened all windows. Listened to the birds (and Yogi chasing them) as the day began.

 By 2pm it was 94 but still not too bad. Sadie enjoyed lounging on the porch.

  All 3 cats (Larry, Moe and Curly) were there too and Yogi watching over everyone.

 

The chickens clucking in the yard.

When the sun went down, so did the temperature. I sat on the porch to witness a BEAUTIFUL night-time sky. Very clear but dark. That made the stars just jump out. It was the kind of sky where the stars went all the way down to the horizon. The air was brisk and the frogs were croaking. The sound of the windmill keeping beat with the light breeze was not far and coyotes singing in the distance. I watched the sky for about 1 hour-comfortable in my star gazing lounge chair. Saw 2 falling stars and had a heart to heart with God. I love saying my prayers while looking up at the heavens.
I give you a challenge....Find the time-after everyone is tucked in bed, turn the porch light off and slip out, then look up.
Just look up for a few minutes....enjoy the sight. You may even see a falling star. But one thing for sure....you will see God's beauty.

Thank you Dear Lord for all of my many blessings.

Labor Day

Mom's think of certain type of "Labor" when we hear
"Labor Day"....

True Story:

My 27 year old twins were born on July 5th. The day after a fun celebration for the 4th of July.
At 7am we were on our way to the hospital. Their daddy had celebrated a little TOO much and...well let's just say he was praying to the porcelain God! My mother walked into the room and when she say me-fainted smooth out on the floor.
  The nurse came in and said ( In a thick southern accent)
     "Honey do you have anyone who can handle this?"

Oh, sweet memories. Makes me laugh every time I think of the look on that nurse's face!

Blue Moon

Friday, August 31st, the rare "Blue Moon" was in the sky.

This is an occurrence that very rarely occurs. It is when there are 2 full moons in one month. It only happens every few years, with the next one expected in July of 2015.

I wanted to share a little story.

John enjoyed the night sky. The moon and the stars. I guess he was a "star gazer". I was awakened many times in the wee hours of the morning, by John , to witness an rare occurrence in the night sky.

There were times in the winter as I was wrapped in a quilt waiting for a meteor shower.

Awhile back, there was the "Hale Bopp Comet".
Those are just a couple of examples but ones that stand out. We live off a dirt road where there are no street lights, so very little distraction from a full sky of stars. They are beautiful. I have seen many falling stars and actually keep up with the moon's phases. I think God gave us a great gift when he gave us the night time sky.
After my dear John left this earth, my son Brad was explaining (or trying to) to his children where their Popa John had gone. I was not present for this talk but can only imagine how difficult that task could have been. With all of their questions and concerns, my sweet little grand-daughter, must have came to a conclusion on her own. I say that because on a visit not long after, on a weekend when the moon was full, we were out in the yard on bright night, and Karissa pointed to the moon. She said...Meemaw, Popa John is in the moon. Can you see him? He is watching us right now!
There are no words I could only reply with....a hug!

                         From the sweet mouth of a 3 year old.

One Year

On this day, one year ago, early in the morning as a light rain began to fall, the man I loved left this earth.

                             Memories flood my mind today.

I want to share the first time I saw John Alfred Murphy. June 1995
It was a hot summer day ....at Six Flags over Texas. I was working for American Airlines at the time and it was AA day at Six Flags where everyone there was either employees or guests. I was there with my 2 children and friends.We were in line for the "old fashioned cars". As we winded around in the lines, passing me in the opposite direction was a very tall handsome man. He had long dark blonde hair and a booming voice. As the lines weaved around, we passed several times. Each time noticing each other more. A girl friend of mine was in front of this man. Later that day, I asked her, "who was that tall guy in front of you?" She told me it was her husband's good friend who worked with him. Then the light went on in her head. Hey, he is single with 2 kids. Would you mind if I mentioned you to him? Sure......Later I got a phone call and he introduced himself....John Murphy. After 2 weeks of phone calls and getting to know each other we found that we had grown up in the same town, gone to 6 years of elementary school right across the street from each other. Our paths had been so close for many years. Maybe it was fate. So in July, we had our first date. That's another story for another day. But it can be said that it was love at first sight and we were hooked. One year later....June 26th 1996 we were married.

My life was forever changed on that summer day at Six Flags.
 It began a series of events that brought me to where I am today.


 As sorrow overwhelms me, I am reminded.....life goes on. I am so thankful for the beautiful memories I have. The dreams we shared and many we accomplished together. But life continues on. I look around and see that everyone is going about with their lives. Me included. Everything is continuing on....without John. Years ago, I felt the same when my parents left this earth. We continue to go on, minus our loved ones. But I know that this world, my world, was better for having them in it. It may have not been for as long as I wished, but God's plan will be revealed someday and I will understand. So for now, I am trying to continue on. Look for new dreams. Find happiness. Enjoy this beautiful life that God has blessed me with. Learn again how to be independent and most of all....move on. Wipe my tears, hold John in my heart for eternity and move on. Knowing that each year August 29 will be a day of sad memories.
My heart goes out to every women out there that has a day of sad memories.
The term "Widow" is not one I though I would ever share.

Summer Storm

Just before sunset last Sunday, the sky began to rumble. I went out to close the chicken coop and do my evening count, when the wind seems to gust out of nowhere. HOT. The northern sky was billowing with blue and amber colored clouds. I walked around the house and thought..bring on the rain! PLEASE, Lord we need the rain. Don't laugh, but I even did a little rain dance. I have done this many times. I like to imagine my ancestors who did it much better than myself. Hey, what good is 80 acres if you can't just bust out with a rain dance when you want to? The cats just watched but Yogi wanted to join in! As the darkness began to fall, the sky lit up with flashes of lightening and far away thunder could be heard. I returned to the house but kept a look out the window. When the electricity flashed off, I returned to the porch for a better look. About the time I opened the door, the huge metal trash can I keep range cubes in, FLEW past me. Everything on the west side of the house was flying to the front of the house. My first reaction was grab Yogi and called Sadie. I led them to our "storm safe spot". The big shower in the mud room.
They when right in and sat down. I ran quickly for the emergency box that holds things needed during storms. I haven't used it since last year! But there was my NOAA weather radio. I plugged it in and as we all sat in the bathroom I listened thinking there was a tornado on Murphy Ranch. But NO-just straight line wind up to 65mph. It was all very scary. This being alone in in the middle of nowhere is getting harder and harder to take. So me and 2 dogs sat in the shower for about 30min.

When NOAA radio said the storm had passed I went outside to take a look. However, Yogi thought the closet was a good spot to hide.

Since it was dark I couldn't see much but I checked the dish on the house and the roof best I could. Everything appeared to be fine. The next morning, however, revealed some strange sights. The slide on the kids swing set was off the ground.

Everything on the west side of the porch was GONE! A mesquite tree was split and lots of debris was in the yard.
I decided, for the first time EVER, Yogi was allowed to stay inside.

 When I finally went to bed, I lay there watching the lightening flash bright in my room and then thunder in the distance. I thought about storms of long ago, when I would lay in the arms of the man I love and fall asleep feeling so safe. Things are different now, I am still safe but my arms are empty.

The next day, when I returned from work, I found the chair, table, kiddie picnic table, feed can and lid....all quite far from the house but all was fine. Nothing was broken. Apparently my rain dance worked....a little. The rain gauge revealed Murphy Ranch had gotten 1 inch of rain.

Circle of Life

With all of the changes in my life, there is one change I welcome....a new grandchild!
What a blessing. My daughter is expecting her first child and is due in February.

Sunset, a full moon and changes on the horizon

Since I have lost my husband, partner, lover and best friend-my life has changed and seems to keep changing. As I adapt to the very lonely way of life here on the ranch, I am constantly questioning my future. As time goes by-and God seems to give me hints-I am feeling this chapter of my life may be coming to an end. Perhaps living in town is the beginning of the next chapter of my life.
25 miles from town and the stress of the ranch is beginning to be a heavy burden. It is the toughest decision I have ever had to make.
I know whatever I decide will not come easily.

As I look around and see the sun setting, my heart is heavy but life goes on. The sun will come up in the morning and I am still here....without John. Strength and confidence...happiness and peace is in my prayers every day.
Show me the way dear Lord....light up my path.