Happy Birthday Jesus

Christmas Eve we decorated cupcakes. One to leave for Santa and one to put a candle in and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I think it is important to remember the reason for the season.

Then off to bed to read a story. I don't have a good voice but just like with my children, I sang Silent Night as a lullaby. Also, Amazing Grace. That is really their favorite.

Christmas Day....same joy-different feel. Sweet little faces up at 6:30am. The party is on! Everyone was enjoying family and the laughter of the children, but always just beneath the surface was the thought-I miss John, Daddy, Popa John. I could tell that everyone was trying not to say much for fear of the sadness it would bring. But the thought was always there. Michele got a James Avery "guardian angel" charm for each of us girls. She said "if you look at it just right, you can see the word Dad in it". So Dad is our guardian angel.

That brought the tears briefly in a heartfelt moment.

The hugs and smiles of my family is what gives my heart joy.

This day also has another memory for me. My father passed away in 1981, on Christmas day. This year marked the 30th Christmas. My father and John were similar in many ways. I like to think they have met now and share the joy of our family. My mother passed away December 1st, 2001. So this marks the 10th year without her. John would always be there to help me through these low times with my parents. But this year he is with them. I pray every day for strength and confidence to get me through the low times.

I know God hears me and he is here for me always. He will never leave.

Christmas Day 2011 has come and gone.
It was full of the laughter, love and family.
Some missing but always in our hearts.

Getting Ready

The first day of my vacation was spent with preparations.

Not leaving the ranch brings me such comfort. The morning begins by watching the sun peek over the live oaks on the hill. Hearing the rooster crow as he and the hens gather at the coop door, waiting to be allowed to run freely. Feeling the crisp morning air as I throw cubes to the cows. They can be very loud when they want something.

Back to the house. The rest of the day was spent cleaning, baking and watching Christmas movies....ALL DAY. I am crazy about Christmas movies. Older ones mostly.

I keep very busy. Then out of nowhere, I am reminded-John is gone. It is strange. Where did he go. Everything is still here...but not him. I look at pictures and sometimes I can almost feel him. I just don't know how I am supposed to do this-live without the love of my life. So one day at a time I will move on. Each day, ask for God's help and hand to hold. He is there....every day.

As we all prepare to celebrate the birth of Christ and spend special time with our families,

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Santa Claus is coming!!!

With one week to go, I spent the weekend preparing.

I got up Saturday morning and fixed my favorite breakfast....waffles.

After a few chores, the elf work began. Something happened that took me totally by surprise. I opened a box of decorations-the one with the stockings. It was time to hang them by the tree. There was John's stocking. What? do I do? The last time I saw that stocking, John was here helping me hang them. We always laughed because OUR stockings were the smallest. I smiled-took his stocking out and looked at it for a while. I don't know what the rules are about these things, but I decided not to hang it. I folded it and put it back in the box. It will stay there...forever.

Just as John will stay in my heart...forever. Setting everything up was a lonely task. But when the train took off for the 1st time this year, it felt like Christmas. The train was John's favorite. There are so many things that at first make me sad, then make me smile. It is a strange emotional roller coaster. Soon the house that John built, will filled with little kids, big kids and lots of laughter. I am sure my heart will ride that roller coaster a few more times.

Santa Claus is coming..ready or not!

Healing

My best friends and my daughters.

Family and friends are good medicine.

Shopping, seeing Christmas lights, eating wonderful food, watching movies

and just sitting around talking to the wee hours of the morning.

These are the things I have spent the last 2 weekends doing.

I have covered some miles and neglected some chores but I enjoyed every minute of it.

However, my heart is most happy when I enter Murphy Ranch Road.

There is such a soothing feeling as I cross the first cattle guard and breath in the sights and smells of the country. The new cemetery is to the right of the gate.

My honey is still the first thing I see as I return....and the last thing I see as I leave.

I have wonderful memories of holidays past. Those will never change.

I have learned the ones ahead are always changing. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

But this holiday season, right now.....

I will soak it in and enjoy every minute.

How about you?

Happy Birthday

Today would have been my love's 55th birthday.

For me it began in a big bed-all alone.

It continued with tears running down my cheek as I drove to work.

When I returned home, I visited his grave and smiled as I had such

wonderful memories of birthdays past.

Then I walked in the house that John built and was greeted

with a wonderful aroma. My daughters were cooking

John's favorite meal. Venison backstrap and gravy.

We sat at the table-gave thanks to the Lord for our meal-

and wished a happy birthday to a man who was so large in our life.

We miss him, all of us.

Memories are powerful and can sooth the soul.

So as I climb back in that empty bed

I will fall asleep with my memories.

Thanksgiving at Murphy Ranch

I cooked for 2 days. My children helped. There was smiles and laughter, but something was missing. My honey. His strong hands were not there to prepare the turkey and keep me on task.

My father passed away when I was 23 years old

and I remember desperately wanting my family traditions to carry on.

With that thought in my heart, I was determined to carry on for my children....me too.

I stayed very busy and worked very hard to make sure everything came together.

Family and friends arrived.

The familiar food was served and it all went by so very quick.

I kept going back to last year's Thanksgiving dinner and thinking....who knew that was our last Thanksgiving with John. Would I have done anything different?

Would I have appreciated anything more?

Thanksgiving 2011 was our first without John.

But it was also our first with Brad's new wife and son.

With endings there are beginnings.

As the last child drove away, and I waved from the porch-the familiar silence returned.

This year it was even more silent.

But something was brought to my mind-rather than feel sad for the unwelcome changes,

I should remain thankful for the my many blessing.

Every night, I begin prayers with thanking my heavenly Father for my blessing.

I am most thankful for my family, friends, home and memories.

Change happens....no matter what.

These days my prayers include help to accept these changes and enjoy every day for what it is. We don't know tomorrow will bring.

We all know that.

Are you enjoying your blessing as if there may not be a Thanksgiving next year?

So I close with a tear on my cheek and a smile in my heart.....

The Adventures of Yogi

As I passed over the last cattle guard that brings me to the yard, Yogi appears to greet me. This time....no Yogi. After I pulled into the garage and went to the porch, I looked out over the pond to a see a small duck (so I thought) simming in the middle. Yogi on the bank, running in circles and wanting to swim to it. I figured it was just another duck that would fly off any minute. A bit later, I still heard Yogi barking so I went back outside. As I walked toward her, this is what I saw......

As I got closer to her, she dropped it. Still alive was the frail bird. Now I know why it did not fly off. One wing was missing. This time, I did not have what it took to nurse this little creature, so I returned it to the pond and scolded Yogi. It was getting dark and I hoped it would find a safe spot. Nature has a way of handling these things, so once again I returned to the house.

This time, Yogi by my side. I did not hear her again and have not seen the frail bird either. I googled the question: Do wings grow back on birds? The answer-Yes. So I am hoping it found a safe spot and is healing. There is plenty of underbrush and mother nature is there too.

So goodbye little one........

A Season for Giving Thanks

This season began for me yesterday. My first Thanksgiving dinner at the Murphy's without my main Murphy...John. Sometimes, my brain thinks-Why should I give thanks when my other half has been taken away? Then my heart says...look around there is still so much to be thankful for. A constant tug of war for me.

Before lunch, it was wonderful hearing my grown children laughing and enjoying their cousins. My sweet grand babies, just learning about the traditions.

Grandma rang the bell and it was time to find our places at the table

but my familiar hand was not there to lead the way.
As prayer was offered, my familiar hand to grasp was also not there.

I looked around and saw the smiles of my family and my heart was at ease.

After dinner there were the usual groups of talking and story telling. I kept expected John to come around the corner. Sometimes I even imagined it.

Then I knew he was there...there in all of us.

In his mother's smile and his siblings laugh.

He is all around me if I just look.
In the house I live in, the truck I drive,

the children he loved and raised

and most of all-in my heart.

For me, the holidays give us a special time to remember all of our loved ones that are no longer here. I remember precious traditions of years past. My parents, grandparents and all who I love and miss. I hate having to add John to that list.

I truly do. But I will smile and enjoy this season of giving thanks.

I am thankful for my children who hold me close.
I am thankful to family and friends who stand by my side.
And God in heaven for holding my hand.

What are you thankful for?

Our Freedom is Not Free

Thank you to all who serve....past, present and future.

Yes, I served on the air side of the Navy for 14yrs

(that's me in the middle with the dark hair).

It seems like another life but I have so many memories. Some good. Some Bad. I often wonder where my buddies are now. I trusted them with my life and me with theirs. Someone who you knew had your back, no matter what. I actually joined the Navy Reserves at the age of 34. I trained (now there are some stories) and became qualified as a Flight Attendant on the C9 aircraft. VR59 know as the LoneStar Squadron. My position on the aircraft was not a glamorous one but a great experience. It took me all over the world-Japan, Okinawa, Australia, Diago Garcia, Guantanamo Bay, Iwo Jima, Spain-just to mention a few places. There were some tight situations(I would tell you but I would have to kill you)can I say that on my blog? But in the end, when I found the love of my life, I gave it up.

I felt privileged to have served my country and I did it proudly. Sometimes I think it would be a great experience for everyone to serve. It would give a prospective that could make a difference. Freedom is not free. Someone every day, walks a line to provide our freedom. Visit another country and you may see what I am talking about. It is said that we do not know what we have till it is gone. I am experiencing that with my home life right now. But I hope I NEVER experience the absence of freedom. Personally, I will do all possible to keep it.

So if you get the chance,

thank someone who is serving your country to give you freedom.

They don't expect it, but they will like to hear it.


P.S. A personal THANK YOU to http://www.knightsandmaidensgathering.blogspot.com/
Cinnamon, you and your family are an inspiration!

I saw something today at school that touched my heart.



A young girl student worker prepared to leave for the day. Her boyfriend was here to take her home as he has done many times. As she neared the door, he stood-moved toward her and held out his had. She looked up at him since he was quite a bit taller. He took her bag and pulled her close. He bent for a quick kiss and and I saw their eyes. It was a look I am (or was) familiar with. Admiration? Infatuation? Friendship? Partnership?or Love?


He put his hand in at the small of her back as they walked out the door. Out into the beautiful sunshine, crisp breeze and walked away. Where ever they went I am sure it was together.



I am beginning to really miss John.

Miss his presence.

His 6'5", full frame with a size 13 shoe that tracked something into the house every day.

Hands like like a bear paw that totally engulfed mine.

Long brown hair and blue eyes.

Broad shoulders and handsome smile.

Dimple in his chin.

Strong, deep, commanding voice.

A man's man.

He could build anything and often did.

There was nothing on the ranch that he could not do.

Although he would say electricity was his least favorite. But he did that too.

He hunted, killed and cleaned every kind of meat found on our 80 acres.

Our freezer still holds the proof.

I completely trusted him and felt safe and secure no matter what the situation.

I miss his presence.

Hearing his voice, his footsteps and catching his scent as he came in the room.

I will forever hold him in my heart.

I think about him constantly and miss him even more.

I pray for patience and strength each day.

I am thankful for the comfort God gives me

and the joy that keeps me smiling-even through the tears.

I wanted to speak of the special love that I was fortunate to have known. I wanted to introduce you to the man I loved and always will. Maybe give you a peek into the man he was. In some strange way, it makes me feel good. To speak of him and smile...through the tears.

A New Well Pump

Late Sunday night I noticed there was very little water pressure. I got the flashlight and headed to the well house. The pump was running but there was not water in the tank! First thing was turn the power off so the pump to the house would not burn up. I knew there was nothing I could do in the dark at 10:30 at night.
So I began to walk back to the house. The stillness and darkness got my attention. One thing about the country and living off a dirt road that I will never stop admiring...the stars at night. The sky is just breathtaking.


First thing the next morning, I found the number for the well company that John always used. They answered very early and was familiar with our phone number. But I had to explain why I was calling and why he could not contact John on his cell. I just have a hard time saying the words...John...you know what I mean? So the tears came, but the young man on the other end was patient and seemed to understand. Within 2 hrs they were there! A new well pump was installed and by 5pm, we had running water! Yogi was at the well house all day.

Again I was emotional, but at the end of the day it felt a little different. Instead of being upset and feeling that I was so alone, I felt like I accomplished something. I honestly felt like John was somewhere being proud.

Yogi and Curly have the right idea....

tired after a long day and it is time to lay down....

Good Night.

And so it begins....

Life just keeps going. Never a lack of things to do-planned and unplanned.

Planned: One of the toilets will not stop running. Yesterday I bought the package of interior parts and replaced them today. I DID IT!!!




It seems to be working fine but time will tell.

Unplanned: The chickens and the rooster went into a thick brushy areas just before dusk. I went to shut the coop (as I do every evening) and count the chickens. The rooster was missing!

I saw Yogi on the dam, near the brushy areas so I went to investigate. Nervous of what I may find. There was the rooster, crouched down. As I got near he began to squawk and flounder. I ran and got the brush cutters and began clearing the thorny ivy and limbs. But the rooster just laid there yelling. I got closer, dodging his pecks, and finally saw what the problem was. One of his legs was caught and had a string wrapped around it. Where did that come from!!! I got the cutters in and finally got him free! He came our of the brush and headed straight for the coop. The girls were very glad to see their man! All are fine and now if has grown dark with the coop as it should be. 4 hens and 1 rooster in for the night.

My turn now. Getting ready to in for the night and lay my head down to rest for the next day.

I don't know which is worse, day or night...without my man.

A New Journey

So much has happened in the past year.

I struggled (and am still struggling) with my feelings and did not share.

In the past my blog was usually joyful about the the "goings on" here at the ranch. So when life was very much the opposite of joyful, I shut down.

Managing life that revolved around my dear husband's

illness was about all I could handle.

Well things have changed.

However, some things will never change.

Number one: the deep affection for the love of my life.

Number two: staying in the home we built together and keeping our dream alive.

"Widow" is a title I never thought I would have,
but it seems our Father in heaven had a different plan.
So as I move forward,
learning to manage my emotions and regain my confidence..
I ask God to hold my hand
and I invite you to join me as I begin this new journey.

My Life is Changed FOREVER

HOT HOT HOT & DRY

Murphy Ranch has seen better days.

Today is 27 days in a row of over 100 degrees and about 3 months of no rain.




Finding a cool shady spot is the thing to do during the day.



We are holding our own and praying for rain.

My heart is heavy these days.

The farm is hurting and my honey is very ill.

Like I said, Murphy Ranch has seen better days.

I know things will change and hopefully for the better.

I am keeping the faith.

15

Happy Anniversary

From this day forward (June 21 1996) to have and to hold

Forever and ever....Amen

Mother Nature is Amazing

I know it has been awhile but I could not let this news go by.

We have a new member on Murphy Ranch.

This cute little calf was born after a storm yesterday. Quite a surprise to us.

We don't know the sex yet, but it seems healthy and that is enough for now.

Spring is for sure at Murphy Ranch.

The barn swallows are nesting, a hen is sitting on 3 eggs,

the hummingbirds are back,

the garden is all planted,

the honeysuckle and roses are in full bloom

and NOW

there is a cute little calf in the field.

God's beauty and mother nature are amazing!

Into the Wild

At the end of week 4, the baby jack rabbits

are eating lettuce, grass and carrots on their own.

They seem healthy and have grown alot

so we researched and decided it was time to

release them back into the wild.

At dusk we took them to just behind the chicken coop

and in the brush and thick cover,

we let them go.

We placed some hay on the ground

with their leftover carrots

but the cute little bunnies just took off.

They are very fast!

This morning when I let the chickens out of the coop,

I peeked around, but did not see them.

We are hopeful that they will grow and thrive

and find a happy home on

Murphy Ranch.

SPRING IS NEAR

Another weekend of grand kids, friends, food

and working on the ranch.

The big kids filled the feeders

while the little kids had pictures made.

The weather was beautiful.

Spring is starting to show through.

Birds singing

Sprigs of grass.

Bees!

Flies...

Ok you can see where I am going.

Not everything is so beautiful in the country-in the south.

Buttttt....everything has a purpose.

Ok, so back to the fun day.

The boys put hay around the pond.

When the pond is really low (as it is now)

the hay will bring the cows to the edge

to eat and they will stomp the hay into the bank.

This helps to shore up any leaks.

When it rains (which I hope it does very soon)

and the pond rises, the bottom will be in better condition.

So far the cows seem to be doing their job

while they enjoy a snack.

Friends also visited from the big city.

In the late afternoon, we grilled

and enjoyed a meal around the table together.

Later the friends heading home

and after the grand babies were fast asleep,

I laid in bed listening to the laughter

of my children in the living room.

They were watching a funny movie and talking

and it was music to my ears.

Some might find it to be noise

that would keep you awake,

but to me it was a sound I will always cherish,

because all too soon they will gone from my living room

and back to their homes and lives.

But that's just me.

Sure enough Sunday afternoon came all too fast

and the house fell silent again.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the peace and quiet

when I have their memories to enjoy.

Have you taken a mental recording

of your children's laughter lately?