Happy Birthday Jesus

Christmas Eve we decorated cupcakes. One to leave for Santa and one to put a candle in and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I think it is important to remember the reason for the season.

Then off to bed to read a story. I don't have a good voice but just like with my children, I sang Silent Night as a lullaby. Also, Amazing Grace. That is really their favorite.

Christmas Day....same joy-different feel. Sweet little faces up at 6:30am. The party is on! Everyone was enjoying family and the laughter of the children, but always just beneath the surface was the thought-I miss John, Daddy, Popa John. I could tell that everyone was trying not to say much for fear of the sadness it would bring. But the thought was always there. Michele got a James Avery "guardian angel" charm for each of us girls. She said "if you look at it just right, you can see the word Dad in it". So Dad is our guardian angel.

That brought the tears briefly in a heartfelt moment.

The hugs and smiles of my family is what gives my heart joy.

This day also has another memory for me. My father passed away in 1981, on Christmas day. This year marked the 30th Christmas. My father and John were similar in many ways. I like to think they have met now and share the joy of our family. My mother passed away December 1st, 2001. So this marks the 10th year without her. John would always be there to help me through these low times with my parents. But this year he is with them. I pray every day for strength and confidence to get me through the low times.

I know God hears me and he is here for me always. He will never leave.

Christmas Day 2011 has come and gone.
It was full of the laughter, love and family.
Some missing but always in our hearts.

Getting Ready

The first day of my vacation was spent with preparations.

Not leaving the ranch brings me such comfort. The morning begins by watching the sun peek over the live oaks on the hill. Hearing the rooster crow as he and the hens gather at the coop door, waiting to be allowed to run freely. Feeling the crisp morning air as I throw cubes to the cows. They can be very loud when they want something.

Back to the house. The rest of the day was spent cleaning, baking and watching Christmas movies....ALL DAY. I am crazy about Christmas movies. Older ones mostly.

I keep very busy. Then out of nowhere, I am reminded-John is gone. It is strange. Where did he go. Everything is still here...but not him. I look at pictures and sometimes I can almost feel him. I just don't know how I am supposed to do this-live without the love of my life. So one day at a time I will move on. Each day, ask for God's help and hand to hold. He is there....every day.

As we all prepare to celebrate the birth of Christ and spend special time with our families,

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Santa Claus is coming!!!

With one week to go, I spent the weekend preparing.

I got up Saturday morning and fixed my favorite breakfast....waffles.

After a few chores, the elf work began. Something happened that took me totally by surprise. I opened a box of decorations-the one with the stockings. It was time to hang them by the tree. There was John's stocking. What? do I do? The last time I saw that stocking, John was here helping me hang them. We always laughed because OUR stockings were the smallest. I smiled-took his stocking out and looked at it for a while. I don't know what the rules are about these things, but I decided not to hang it. I folded it and put it back in the box. It will stay there...forever.

Just as John will stay in my heart...forever. Setting everything up was a lonely task. But when the train took off for the 1st time this year, it felt like Christmas. The train was John's favorite. There are so many things that at first make me sad, then make me smile. It is a strange emotional roller coaster. Soon the house that John built, will filled with little kids, big kids and lots of laughter. I am sure my heart will ride that roller coaster a few more times.

Santa Claus is coming..ready or not!

Healing

My best friends and my daughters.

Family and friends are good medicine.

Shopping, seeing Christmas lights, eating wonderful food, watching movies

and just sitting around talking to the wee hours of the morning.

These are the things I have spent the last 2 weekends doing.

I have covered some miles and neglected some chores but I enjoyed every minute of it.

However, my heart is most happy when I enter Murphy Ranch Road.

There is such a soothing feeling as I cross the first cattle guard and breath in the sights and smells of the country. The new cemetery is to the right of the gate.

My honey is still the first thing I see as I return....and the last thing I see as I leave.

I have wonderful memories of holidays past. Those will never change.

I have learned the ones ahead are always changing. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

But this holiday season, right now.....

I will soak it in and enjoy every minute.

How about you?

Happy Birthday

Today would have been my love's 55th birthday.

For me it began in a big bed-all alone.

It continued with tears running down my cheek as I drove to work.

When I returned home, I visited his grave and smiled as I had such

wonderful memories of birthdays past.

Then I walked in the house that John built and was greeted

with a wonderful aroma. My daughters were cooking

John's favorite meal. Venison backstrap and gravy.

We sat at the table-gave thanks to the Lord for our meal-

and wished a happy birthday to a man who was so large in our life.

We miss him, all of us.

Memories are powerful and can sooth the soul.

So as I climb back in that empty bed

I will fall asleep with my memories.