Changes

Time passes so quickly....I turned around and more than a month has passed. The holidays have come and gone. Everything has been put away-except for the outside lights. One string around the top of the house is on a sensor so they come one at dusk and go off at daybreak. I like it! I never come home to a dark house.

 

A few things that happened since my last post.....

 

In the last month snow came to Murphy Ranch. It always amazes me how quiet and beautiful snow is. It is cold and still with such a calm beauty. Although it is beautiful, the snow worries me. I worry about the pipes, the animals and heat. But all went well and there were no problems.

 

We are getting close to meeting my daughter's first child!

 

 

My grandchildren have given me so much happiness

 

 

Two full moon have come and gone.

 

 

But the most incredible thing that has happened.......I feel it is time to turn the page in my life and move on to the next chapter. With much prayer and heavy thought, I have decided to sell the ranch.

Time will tell if this change is meant to be. So for now and always, I remain happy with my home and look forward to the possibility of changes. Scary Changes. Happy Changes.

 

So I invite you to walk with me on this new path. Realizing that the path could take me to blacktop or keep me on the dirt road. Either way, I know our heavenly Father will hold my hand. I know that my family and friends will also be by my side. Those here and those watching from above.



Time....

It seems like time is going so much quicker. I know 1 hour is still-1 hour, but it seems to go faster. Do you ever feel that way?
When I was younger, it seemed to creep by. Waiting for my birthday each year was so exciting and SLOW!!
Christmas really fit the saying..."Slow as Christmas".
Now...not so much!

A whole month has passed since my last post. Is that possible?
My daughter is now about halfway to the birth of her first child!
Thanksgiving is 3 weeks away...
and oh yea, tomorrow we vote in a President!
Time....it passes.
Loved ones leave this earth and we just keep going.
Time...just passes.
I find myself holding on to every detail of my beloved John. Time has allowed me to wake without John being my first thought. Is that time...or God allowing me to move on? There are still tears but not like there used to be. I have evolved into a sense of longing...rather than pain.
It just bothers me that everything is still there....but him. He is gone and will never return. My life is taking on different needs and it doesn't involve John. I am now labeled a "widow"....not a wife.
I still find it hard to say....my husband passed away.
That just sounds crazy, but it is my reality. 
However, as I look around I realize...I am still here and hopefully have a lot of life yet to live.
Children, grand-children, friends and
family remind me of that fact.
So this is me....
trying very hard to move to the 5th stage of grief...Acceptance.

Sometimes accepting God's will can be difficult. I pray for it everyday and I believe he has answered my prayers. I am feeling a bit of peace. Still sadness, but it is different. I take a deep breath and as a tear falls down my cheek, I exhale and feel a hand on my shoulder. Not like an actual hand, but a feeling. It is hard to explain, but I know he is there. Both God and John...watching over me. Smiling.

Thank you Heavenly Father for all my blessings
and for holding my hand.

Time....it is precious. 

Life is short...live it like you mean it!

A day of Remembrance

It was comparable to Pearl Harbor.

On this day 11 years ago, I was working at DFW Airport. On my way in, I heard on the radio that a small plane had hit a skyscraper in NYC. I was not too alarmed. When I arrived to my desk, everyone was in the break room at the TV. Live, we witnessed the second plane fly into the World Trade Center.

Things went crazy from there. The air space over DFW was shut down and we were released to go home. When I called my elderly mother, she asked "is this another Pearl Harbor"?
She had lived through that and suddenly I had a whole new respect for that experience.
That night at the supper table, John and I with our 4 high school age children, discussed our "emergency plan". With talk of chemical warfare and more terrorist attacks, like alot of families, we were talking about what we would do. If all phone lines were busy and we were unable to connect with each other, our plan was to make our separate ways to the ranch. There we could be completely sustainable. Water, food and space. Thank goodness, that plan was never implemented. But for a long time, we all lived in a certain amount of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of no control.
So much has changed since then. Some good, some bad. But one thing is for sure, just like Pearl Harbor, we learned alot and we all came together and are stronger. Family and Country.
I stand proud to be an American.
  And thank those who responded with such valor.
    My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones 11 years ago       today in such a devastating manner.
    As I am learning more and more, SOMEDAY, we will understand the events in our lives.
            As for me and for right now....I bow my head.

Blue Moon

Friday, August 31st, the rare "Blue Moon" was in the sky.

This is an occurrence that very rarely occurs. It is when there are 2 full moons in one month. It only happens every few years, with the next one expected in July of 2015.

I wanted to share a little story.

John enjoyed the night sky. The moon and the stars. I guess he was a "star gazer". I was awakened many times in the wee hours of the morning, by John , to witness an rare occurrence in the night sky.

There were times in the winter as I was wrapped in a quilt waiting for a meteor shower.

Awhile back, there was the "Hale Bopp Comet".
Those are just a couple of examples but ones that stand out. We live off a dirt road where there are no street lights, so very little distraction from a full sky of stars. They are beautiful. I have seen many falling stars and actually keep up with the moon's phases. I think God gave us a great gift when he gave us the night time sky.
After my dear John left this earth, my son Brad was explaining (or trying to) to his children where their Popa John had gone. I was not present for this talk but can only imagine how difficult that task could have been. With all of their questions and concerns, my sweet little grand-daughter, must have came to a conclusion on her own. I say that because on a visit not long after, on a weekend when the moon was full, we were out in the yard on bright night, and Karissa pointed to the moon. She said...Meemaw, Popa John is in the moon. Can you see him? He is watching us right now!
There are no words I could only reply with....a hug!

                         From the sweet mouth of a 3 year old.

One Year

On this day, one year ago, early in the morning as a light rain began to fall, the man I loved left this earth.

                             Memories flood my mind today.

I want to share the first time I saw John Alfred Murphy. June 1995
It was a hot summer day ....at Six Flags over Texas. I was working for American Airlines at the time and it was AA day at Six Flags where everyone there was either employees or guests. I was there with my 2 children and friends.We were in line for the "old fashioned cars". As we winded around in the lines, passing me in the opposite direction was a very tall handsome man. He had long dark blonde hair and a booming voice. As the lines weaved around, we passed several times. Each time noticing each other more. A girl friend of mine was in front of this man. Later that day, I asked her, "who was that tall guy in front of you?" She told me it was her husband's good friend who worked with him. Then the light went on in her head. Hey, he is single with 2 kids. Would you mind if I mentioned you to him? Sure......Later I got a phone call and he introduced himself....John Murphy. After 2 weeks of phone calls and getting to know each other we found that we had grown up in the same town, gone to 6 years of elementary school right across the street from each other. Our paths had been so close for many years. Maybe it was fate. So in July, we had our first date. That's another story for another day. But it can be said that it was love at first sight and we were hooked. One year later....June 26th 1996 we were married.

My life was forever changed on that summer day at Six Flags.
 It began a series of events that brought me to where I am today.


 As sorrow overwhelms me, I am reminded.....life goes on. I am so thankful for the beautiful memories I have. The dreams we shared and many we accomplished together. But life continues on. I look around and see that everyone is going about with their lives. Me included. Everything is continuing on....without John. Years ago, I felt the same when my parents left this earth. We continue to go on, minus our loved ones. But I know that this world, my world, was better for having them in it. It may have not been for as long as I wished, but God's plan will be revealed someday and I will understand. So for now, I am trying to continue on. Look for new dreams. Find happiness. Enjoy this beautiful life that God has blessed me with. Learn again how to be independent and most of all....move on. Wipe my tears, hold John in my heart for eternity and move on. Knowing that each year August 29 will be a day of sad memories.
My heart goes out to every women out there that has a day of sad memories.
The term "Widow" is not one I though I would ever share.

Sunset, a full moon and changes on the horizon

Since I have lost my husband, partner, lover and best friend-my life has changed and seems to keep changing. As I adapt to the very lonely way of life here on the ranch, I am constantly questioning my future. As time goes by-and God seems to give me hints-I am feeling this chapter of my life may be coming to an end. Perhaps living in town is the beginning of the next chapter of my life.
25 miles from town and the stress of the ranch is beginning to be a heavy burden. It is the toughest decision I have ever had to make.
I know whatever I decide will not come easily.

As I look around and see the sun setting, my heart is heavy but life goes on. The sun will come up in the morning and I am still here....without John. Strength and confidence...happiness and peace is in my prayers every day.
Show me the way dear Lord....light up my path.

Tailspin

It has been awhile since my last post. Seems like time just got away from me. I would think about posts and then suddenly another day would be gone and no post made. Finally a Saturday with no trips planned and chores are done so I am catching up.
I have really missed posting... and reading my favorite blogs.

Summer has hit Texas. Days of triple digit temperatures-it is HOT off the dirt road!
Yogi is digging to China under the shed. She had made a cool spot to sit out the heat of the day. The cats even join her.

It only take 4 days for all of the hummingbird feeders to go dry. I water the garden every evening and it seems to be doing good. Cucumbers and tomatoes are starting to come in. There was a good crop of blackberries. They seem to be done though. I have been picking and freezing the blackberries to accumulate enough to made some jelly.

There is so much to do on this ranch and doing it alone is very overwhelming. So much that John knew and I do not. The ranch hand helps but he is young and does only what her has to. I pray for help to make the right decision concerning the ranch. A sign so I will know what to do. A peace of mind. Some days I feel like I have a handle on things and then the next I am in a tailspin.
This past June 21st would have been our 16th wedding anniversary. My heart aches for John. I still find myself looking at his pictures and finding it unbelievable that he is gone. Gone Forever.
But reality tells me, yes he is gone and I am here. Alone. Even the happy things are not as happy when there is nobody to share it with. This big place is getting lonely.
Lately, I have had alot of thoughts about my future. What do I want? Where do I want to be?
For now, I focus on the day to day responsibilities. I keep busy with work and the ranch. Have the occational get together with family and friends. One day at a time, One foot in front of the other.

Brenda's Way

I was telling a friend today of how my emotions have been all over the map lately. Just when I think I am leveling out, I fall. It has been 8 months now without my partner, lover and best friend. I didn't realize how much John inspired me and keep me on track. Learning to be independent again is tough. But I am getting there. There are moments when I just don't believe he is gone from this earth. Never to return. John Murphy was larger than life and you knew when he was in the room. I miss that so much. I will admit there are some aspects I do enjoy. Watching whatever I want on TV and staying up as late as I please while watching the TV in bed. Eating girl food (as my friend put it). Lots of salads and not so much meat. Well, that is really only because I can't cook meat (especially grill) as well as my man could. When I use tools, they are always right where I left them when I go back for them. I know that made some of you women smile! You know what I mean. However, I only have myself to blame when I can't find something!
All in All I am adjusting. Slowly but surely. I am realizing that my life is now just that....MY LIFE. I need to find new goals. New wants. New dreams. Realize I can't (and should not expect myself) to do everything that John did. I have to find the "Brenda way of doing things". I guess realizing these things are half the battle. Now I just have to figure them out. This first year is full of realizations. As I learn things that I will do different next year or next time-the "Brenda way".
This morning I was up early and opened the door to birds singing, a slight southerly breeze and a gently nudge from the big white dog. My heart is at home here. My soul feels comfortable here. Murphy Ranch is still my piece of heaven on earth. I am never really alone.

Easter .....A time of renewal

Family and Friends.....are such a blessing.

I traveled to the big city to visit some, talked on the phone to others and thought about many. My mind traveled back to last Easter. A big egg hunt and my honey John by my side. This year was so different. I thought about how John has actually sat beside Jesus. He has been reunited with his own father and even met my father. He has no pain and is where we all plan to be some day. I guess because Easter is about death and then....not death. Will I ever be able to let go of this horrible feeling of loss? Maybe after the first year of all of these "firsts".

Then my heart fills with happiness as I look into the smiling faces of my grandchildren or hear "I love You, Momma" from my children. Easter is about renewal-new beginnings. Hope. So this year, I look toward a new beginning and a renewal of sorts for myself. I am still amazed at how life changes so quickly and so drastically. But God has a plan........

Learning Limitations

I wonder if that word "limitations" is even in the vocabulary of a farmer-farmer's wife or a mother for that matter. However, I am learning I DO have limitations. What needs to be done must be spread out more. When you don't have your partner next to you, the load that was once split in half, now sits squarely on your own shoulders. In some ways I find it a little frustrating yet humbling. So this weekend I had a little lesson in prioritizing and delegating.

It began with building a small coop within the coop to house the momma hen and her chicks. This was the priority because they were in danger with our 3 cats roaming and hawks flying overhead. Who knows what else lurks in the brush. I think John would be proud of the simple yet practical design I created. It took me about 3 hours. In the end I was proud...and relieved to not have to worry so much about the chicks.

With the weather getting nicer, it was time to dust off the porch furniture and wash off the concrete. I delegated alot of chores to my ranch hand and hope to learn not to feel guilty.

Suddenly it is time to get ready for the work week.

Weekends are so fast. But this weekend was very productive.

God continues to hold my hand and show me the way and I am thankful.

Makes it Final

In some ways, 5 months seems like forever and in others it seems like last week. But the reality is-time has gone by one day at a time. 24 hrs a day. 7days a week-normal time passing, except nothing is normal.
John and I had talked about beginning a family cemetery on our own property. Sooner than I expected, but it is here. I must say, I like it. It is passed by all who enter the ranch. The headstone has been placed in the cemetery which makes things seem so final. It is a beautiful headstone. It is so hard to choose a headstone for the man you love and the wording that would be there FOREVER. I wanted it to say something about John so that anyone who saw it would know a little about him. It was a hard task but a decision was finally made and now it is here. Believe me, I know it is not something we want to think about, but the truth is-we are all going to leave this earth someday. The people we love the most will be left with the task of making a lot of touch decisions if we don't take care of it first. I am making plans to have all of those decisions made so that my children will not have to. Ok Ok....that is it. That is it for the doom and gloom talk. I just wanted to pass that valuable insight along. Oh, I also designed the granite oval that now sits on the fireplace. The place that made the headstone also made it.





Sooooo, what do you think of the headstone? Just by what is one it, what would you think about this man, John A. Murphy?