Brenda's Way

I was telling a friend today of how my emotions have been all over the map lately. Just when I think I am leveling out, I fall. It has been 8 months now without my partner, lover and best friend. I didn't realize how much John inspired me and keep me on track. Learning to be independent again is tough. But I am getting there. There are moments when I just don't believe he is gone from this earth. Never to return. John Murphy was larger than life and you knew when he was in the room. I miss that so much. I will admit there are some aspects I do enjoy. Watching whatever I want on TV and staying up as late as I please while watching the TV in bed. Eating girl food (as my friend put it). Lots of salads and not so much meat. Well, that is really only because I can't cook meat (especially grill) as well as my man could. When I use tools, they are always right where I left them when I go back for them. I know that made some of you women smile! You know what I mean. However, I only have myself to blame when I can't find something!
All in All I am adjusting. Slowly but surely. I am realizing that my life is now just that....MY LIFE. I need to find new goals. New wants. New dreams. Realize I can't (and should not expect myself) to do everything that John did. I have to find the "Brenda way of doing things". I guess realizing these things are half the battle. Now I just have to figure them out. This first year is full of realizations. As I learn things that I will do different next year or next time-the "Brenda way".
This morning I was up early and opened the door to birds singing, a slight southerly breeze and a gently nudge from the big white dog. My heart is at home here. My soul feels comfortable here. Murphy Ranch is still my piece of heaven on earth. I am never really alone.